Published Articles

The articles below have been published in the Cooloola Tin Can Bay Bulletin as a contribution to the Health and Wellness section. Perhaps the content of the articles will resonate with you in a way that is relevant to your life…enjoy!

“Learning to love the imperfect you”

Why do some people respond to life’s challenges and difficult emotions with positivity and resilience whilst others feel like they are being beaten down? The answer appears to lie in having self-compassion, that is, believing that you are a worthy human being, accepting that life isn’t perfect, and making peace with the unlovable parts of yourselves.

The foundations for a good sense of self worth are undoubtedly laid down in childhood and, you will either spend a great deal of time trying to repair your self worth in adulthood, or you will have the foundations to face adult life with hope, courage and resilience. But also, in today’s world there is so much emphasis on what we have and don’t have, what others have and don’t have, whether we are successful enough, clever enough, thin enough, and so on. We live in a culture that puts achievements and perfectionism up on a pedestal so we strive for that ideal in order to feel good about ourselves.

We don’t like to feel vulnerable much less show our vulnerability to others. Vulnerability means insecurity, shame, judgment, guilt, and weakness. Vulnerability may lead to disappointment and sadness and we can’t risk that! But to conquer perfectionism, you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your imperfections with trusted others. Showing vulnerability can actually lead to a sense of belonging, and can give meaning and purpose to your life. When you can let go of what others might think, and accept your life for what it is, you start to feel you are good enough as you are. It takes courage to show your bad sides, but the imperfect, messy parts of yourselves are just as important for growth as the positive parts.

Below are some tips from the book “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown that might help guide you towards self compassion, if that’s what you need right now:

Work at being authentic. This means letting go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embracing who you are.
Let go of what other people think. Chances are they are struggling with their own imperfect selves.
See perfectionism for what it really is – unattainable. Perfectionism is more about perception rather than reality.
Take a reality-check. Question your perception of the manufactured perfect lives you see on social media, TV, magazines, or at the school bus stop! Are they real? Where is the evidence that those people are perfect?
Actively practise gratitude. This means noticing things in your life that you are grateful for on a daily basis, whether that be someone who made your day brighter, the smell of the sea, or your favourite meal on the table. Write 3 things down a day that you are grateful for; do this for 21 days. Research has shown that after 21 days your brain becomes trained to look at the world differently as it starts to look for positives instead of threats.
Make time to rest and play. Let go of the notion that exhaustion is a status symbol of productivity and self worth. Having down time is not a sign of weakness or laziness. It is necessary for producing the ‘feel good’ chemicals in your brain that will help you feel like a worthy human being!

This article might be applicable to the mother who berates herself for not being good enough, the student trying to attain perfect grades, the person striving to be a best friend, the person whose house is never clean or tidy enough, the athlete trying to achieve personal bests… Learn to love the imperfect you! It will make your life a lot more enjoyable.

“On being broken”

In the process of conducting some research on Type 1 Diabetes, I found an inspiring blog written by Helen Edwards on her website www.diabetescantbeatme.com. Helen is a Type 1 Diabetic, writer and blogger, diabetes advocate, consultant and speaker.

Helen describes how she was chronically bullied from a young age at school and how, for as long as she can remember, she felt anxious and sick in the stomach. At the age of twelve, Helen was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, a life threatening, chronic condition that is incurable. The bullying became more intense at high school and then at sixteen, she fell into an abusive and violent relationship that lasted until she was twenty. Despite her ordeals, Helen went on to work in mental health, being exposed to the trauma of other ‘broken’ people like herself on a daily basis. Eventually the emotional stress of her job, and the physical challenges of living with Type 1 Diabetes, resulted in Helen being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. She describes herself as being ‘broken many times over both physically and mentally’. Over the years however Helen learned to adjust to her ‘broken bits.’ She married and had three sons, the youngest of which has been diagnosed with high functioning autism…yet another challenge!

This resilient lady does not shy away from admitting how tough things have been for her at times, including feeling suicidal. But what is appealing is her learned, pragmatic attitude towards the need to keep adjusting to her physical and mental health challenges. She shares the message that we can’t always be fixed but we can learn to live with our broken bits and make them work for us. She makes a wonderful analogy…

“Take for example a door with a broken catch, a door that is an original, one off, not something you can easily mend. If you can’t fix it, you may choose to replace it, or you may try to fix it well enough to work in a unique way, or you may just get used to the fact that it bangs in the wind a little more than usual and that you need 2 hands to open it, because you love it. A broken body (or broken mind) is a little different, but essentially the same. If you cannot fix it, you work out how to manage it, how to work around things, how to deal. You might prefer a door that works, but you get used to it because it is yours, and perhaps it is even more beautiful than before”.

In fact, something even wonderful can arise from the ashes of our broken bits. Some of the best support you can receive when in need of help for a physical or mental health issue, is from someone who has had a similar experience to you and has adapted to their challenges effectively. This person is now in a position to share their insight, and to help others ‘deal’. Thank you Helen Edwards for reminding us that we can still enjoy life as beautifully, broken human beings!

“Ways we numb ourselves”

I recently subscribed to a website www.dailyom.com that offers up daily articles to my email that are short, inspiring, and insightful. Recently one of the articles talked about “ways we numb ourselves” from the messy, dark, or unpleasant parts of our lives.

Whether the numbing agent is food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, exercise, TV, sleep or work, the reasons behind it are the same…to avoid facing painful thoughts and feelings. If we keep ourselves zoned out or even stressed out, this leaves us no room for difficult or painful thoughts and feelings. Surely it will all just go away? It won’t.

Sometimes we are aware of the fact that we are choosing to numb ourselves, other times we are just on automatic pilot. Used to living at full speed ahead. Not allowing a moment’s peace and quiet – unaware that it is to avoid feeling uncomfortable. We hear about mindfulness and laugh. Who has time to sit quietly with our thoughts and ‘notice’ them? Why do we even need to? My Clinical Supervisor once said to me that if you can’t sit in silence for a whole hour with no TV, no music, no book, no distraction whatsover…then you are not comfortable with yourself. An hour! Can you? I know I would find that hard!

So, why is it important to try to stop this pattern of avoidance? Well, whilst numbing yourself is helping you avoid pain, boredom, anger, hopelessness or sadness, it is also reducing your quality of your life. When you are zoned out, you also lose awareness and clarity of what is going on around you. You are so focused on keeping distracted that you miss so much! You are so busy suppressing memories and your past, that there is no room to take in the present.

How do we start to change this pattern of avoidance? It can be difficult changing patterns of behaviour that have kept us ‘safe’ but small steps in the right direction can lead to great changes in your life. One way is to ask ourselves what the cost of avoidance is to our lives, our relationships and our health.

Below is a worksheet by Russ Harris, a psychologist who wrote the book “The Happiness Trap”. This worksheet is taken from his website www.happinesstrap.com and you may find it helpful in identifying if you need to work at allowing yourself to feel everything again…bad and good.

The Costs of Avoidance Worksheet

Complete the following sentences:
The thoughts I’d most like to get rid of are:

The feelings I’d most like to get rid of are:

The sensations I’d most like to get rid of are:

The memories I’d most like to get rid of are:

Next, take a few minutes to write a list of every single thing you’ve tried in order to avoid or get rid of these unpleasant thoughts or feelings. Try to remember every strategy you have ever used (whether deliberately or by default). Below is a guide to help you:

Distraction: list everything you have ever done to distract yourself from, or ‘zone out’, or take your mind off these painful thoughts, feelings, sensations or memories.

Opting out: list all the activities, interests, events, people, or places that you have avoided or withdrawn from, and all the opportunities you have missed out on, because you did not feel good or wanted to avoid feeling bad:

Thinking strategies: list all the different ways of thinking you have tried (deliberately or unintentionally) when painful thoughts and feelings started showing up. Tick any of the following that you have done, and write in any others:

Worrying
Dwelling on the past
Fantasizing about the future
Imagining escape scenarios (e.g. leaving your job or your partner)
Imagining revenge scenarios
Imagining suicide scenarios
Thinking ‘It’s not fair …’
Thinking ‘If only ….’
Thinking of killing yourself
Blaming yourself
Blaming others
Blaming the world
Talking logically to yourself
Talking positively to yourself
Talking negatively to yourself
Analysing yourself (trying to figure out why you are like this)
Analysing the situation (trying to figure out why this happened)
Analysing others (trying to figure out why they are like this)

Substances: list all the substances you have ever used to try and feel better, including foods, drinks, cigarettes, recreational drugs, and prescription drugs

Anything else: write down anything else you can think of you have ever tried to make yourself feel a bit better, or not so bad, when these painful thoughts and feelings showed up.

Once you’ve done that, go through your list and for each item, ask yourself:

Did this get rid of my painful thoughts and feelings in the long term?
Did it bring me closer to a rich, full, and meaningful life?
If the answer to question 2 is “no”, then what did this cost me in terms of time, energy, money, health, relationships, and vitality?

“Suicide Prevention and Discussion”

With “World Suicide Prevention Day” and “RUOK? Day” just gone it seems appropriate to bring community awareness to the most recent findings about Australian attitudes to suicide and its prevention. As stated in a media release by Suicide Prevention Australia (SPA), a survey conducted in August 2017 on a nationally representative sample of 1200 Australians found that 70% of respondents believed that disclosing suicidal thoughts could be beneficial. Yet fear and stigma persist around mental illness and suicide, resulting in too many people still withholding information about how they are really feeling.

The themes promoted in this year’s campaigns to bring greater awareness to mental illness and suicide prevention were: “Take a minute, change a life” and “You’ve got what it takes” (to support someone struggling with life). These campaigns are aimed at everyone to encourage us to spare a little time to ask someone who we suspect is struggling how they are, and have faith that we can be supportive.

The important thing to remember when you suspect a loved one, or a colleague, or a neighbour is not coping, is that you don’t have to fix them. Be assured that just asking the person if they are okay, and then taking the time to listen to them, will make a HUGE difference in their life. When you have listened, encourage the person to take action and then later check in with them to see if they have done so. Never underestimate the power of a patient, caring, listening ear. We begin to heal when we feel heard.

This year’s campaigns also reiterated the following myths around suicide:

MYTH: People who talk about suicide just want attention.

FACT: Talking about suicide is a warning sign. Warnings signs should be taken seriously. This is the critical time for the person to receive help. Research shows that if people receive help when they are finding the courage to let it be known that they are feeling suicidal, they are far less likely to engage in the act. Stories abound from devastated people who say their loved one committed suicide at a time when they seemed content and calm. At this time the person has made peace with their plan to end their life as they do not see any other way out.

MYTH: Talking to people about suicide increases the risk of suicide

FACT: Asking someone about suicide and listening with an empathetic ear offers the suffering person a chance at honest communication about how they are feeling, resulting in a much greater chance that they will seek help and get better.

MYTH: People who commit suicide are selfish and irresponsible.

FACT: Unfortunately when a person is ready to carry out a plan to commit suicide, they are not thinking about themselves at all. They are in such a state of mental despair that they simply cannot see a way out. It is that simple. If they had hope, they would not do it.

Remember: 1 in 4 people in Australia will experience mental illness at some point in their lives, be it from loss, isolation, financial difficulties, divorce, trauma, addiction, discrimination, domestic violence and more. You are not alone. It is not shameful. Try not to judge yourself or others. Ask for help!

And for those who have not yet experienced mental illness: “Judge tenderly, if you must. There is usually a side you have not heard, a story you know nothing about, and a battle waged that you are not having to fight”. – Traci Lea Larussa (www.wiseoldsayings)

Help is available at:

LIFELINE – 13 11 14

BEYONDBLUE – 1300 22 4636

KIDS HELPLINE – 1800 55 1800

DV CONNECT – 1800 737 732

MENSLINE – 1300 78 99 78

www.suicidepreventionaust.org